


I Can't Go On (I'll Go On)

by wouldratherbeaunicorn



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Canon Compliant, Coming Out, Cussing, Kittens, Mental Illnesses, Multi, Self-Harm, Social Media, Suicidal Thoughts, Zoe-centric, fucked up families, let's all appreciate Zoe Murphy on this fine tuesday, milk is a Thing, strong Evan, this kinda fits in with Three Guns, zoe's philosophical af
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-04-21 07:18:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14279805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wouldratherbeaunicorn/pseuds/wouldratherbeaunicorn
Summary: DONT READ THIS. I NEED TO FIX IT. DRASTICALLY.Nobody ever taught Zoe how to deal with her feelings. They just handed her a weight and told her to run ahead of the train. So is it really her fault if she falls onto the tracks?Or: Zoe Murphy and her fucked up junior year.





	1. Another Wrong Turn

**Author's Note:**

> READ THE TAGS!
> 
> "Where I am, I don't know, in the silence, you don't know, you must go on, I can't go on, I'll go on." - Samuel Beckett

The first day of school. Of her junior year. Of the most important year of her life.

Zoe shut off her alarm and stared at her wall for a solid thirty seconds before pulling herself out of bed. She could already hear her mother banging on Connor’s door.

Her pre-arranged outfit set atop her desk, folded neatly and carefully. A new pair of jeans with _no_ drawings scribbled on the cuffs, and a dark pink blouse. She had new grey Converse, also donning zero pen marks.

She checked her phone on the way to the bathroom. No notifications.

“Zoe, sweetie! I want everyone in the kitchen in one hour, please!”

Her mother’s sickeningly sweet voice filled her room, and Zoe flinched. The conversation from the day before shoved itself to the front of her head.

_“I think we should start having family breakfast every morning. I think it would make us all a lot less grumpy as we start our day. Plus, we get to talk to each other and communicate before we separate!”_

Zoe made her way down the stairs, zipping her backpack as her father and brother rushed past her. “Wow, am I in your way?”

They ignored her.

She resumed her usual seat at the smaller table, the one they used for just the four of them.

“A family breakfast. That’s how the year should start!” Cynthia beamed, pouring coffee for her husband, tea for Connor, and juice for Zoe.

 _Give it thirty seconds, and watch it all fall apart_ , she thought, pouring the cereal.

The teenagers looked at their cups in disdain, before each went to grab the coffee pot. Their mother swatted their hands away. Connor gave up within two seconds. Zoe kept trying, only stopping when her mother removed the pot from the table altogether.

“I’m not going,” the boy muttered, resting his head in his hands.

“It’s your senior year, Connor. You are not missing the first day.”

“I don’t feel good! I already said I’d go tomorrow,” he whined, pushing the cereal around his plate.

The small woman bustled around, but paused as she watched her husband frown at his phone. “Are you gonna get involved, or are you too busy on your email, Larry?”

Larry blinked at the woman, before staring at his son. “You have to go to school, Connor.”

“That’s all you’re going to say?”

“Well, what do you want me to say? He doesn’t listen! Look at him, he’s not listening.”

The three turned towards the boy, with his bloodshot eyes. Zoe rolled her own. No surprise, there.

“He’s probably high.”

“He’s definitely high.”

Connor dropped his spoon into his bowl, glaring at his little sister. “Fuck you!”

“Fuck _you_!” Zoe shouted back, her leg bouncing hard underneath the table.

“I don’t want you picking on your brother. That is _not_ productive.” _Yes, because everything and everyone in the Murphy household needed to be productive now._

Her hard glare flipped to her mother. “Are you kidding?”

“Besides, he isn’t high. Are you high?”

The corners of Connor's mouth turned up into something resembling a smile as he stared straight at Zoe.

She smiled at her mother, before pulling a book out of her backpack. _Siddhartha_. A man’s journey to spiritual self-discovery - _for fuck’s sake_.

Connor was still staring at her, so she stared back. And then he was gone, running (falling) back up the stairs to his room. His door slammed. Her eyes went to her mom. Nothing. She _let_ Connor leave. She let him do whatever he wanted. But if _Zoe_ had tried to storm out... The girl would’ve gotten grounded, had her car taken away, and given a talk on morals and politeness. Plus whatever her father wanted to do to Connor.

Her father started complaining about the interstate as she reached for the milk jug and turned it upside down. Nothing. Connor left her with nothing.

“Connor finished the milk!” she exclaimed, setting the bottle down before throwing her napkin on her bowl. She zipped her backpack up so quick her bruised fingertips turned white. Zoe took a second to breathe before standing up.

“I better head out,” Larry declared, kissing his wife on the cheek.

“If Connor’s not ready, I’m leaving without him.”

Unfortunately, Connor was ready. He sat next to her, silent the whole way to school, messing with his hair in the mirror.

“You look fine,” she barked as he did it for the millionth time. He scowled at her. She rolled her eyes, pulling into the upperclassmen parking lot. “I’m leaving at three-fifteen. If you’re not in the car, you’re not getting a ride.”

“Okay,” Connor agreed, nodding. She stared at him. “What did Mom say to you?”

He shrugged, opening the passenger door. “Told me to tell you to have a good year or some bullshit. Okay, bye.”

Nicole waited for her by the cafeteria, where they picked up their finalized schedules and IDs. Zoe hugged the younger girl hard, catching her up on the last few weeks of summer. Not like she hadn't already told her everything over the phone. Nicole waited patiently, but her eyes kept drifting over to something behind Zoe.

The girl sighed. "What? What are you looking at?"

“Oh, my God. Why am I lowkey attracted to your brother’s hair?”

Zoe made a face, watching the boy look at his new ID card by the snack court. “Don’t be gross. Or say that, like, ever again. Oh, my God. Look at this picture! I need a retake, instantly.”

She held her card out, changing the subject as Elias made his way over to them. “Girls.”

“Boy,” Nicole smirked, making their way to the English wing, where her locker was. The five-minute bell rang.

“Hey, look. It’s Kleinman,” Elias remarked. “And your brother? And Evan! Evan’s chill, we worked together this summer. At Ellison, remember?”

Zoe sighed, turning around to make sure nothing was going wrong. Jared Kleinman and Connor on their _own_ were each trouble, but together... That was never going to be good.

“Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” Connor growled, stepping towards the short boy. The whole hallway went silent.

Zoe whimpered in embarrassment, putting a hand to her forehead.

“What the fuck are you laughing at? Stop _**fucking** laughing at me! _You think I’m a freak? I’m not the freak! You’re the fucking freak!”__

__Zoe knew she wouldn't make it in time. Connor was approaching that kid way too fast. There was no way she’d be able to get to the other side of the hallway as quick as him._ _

__“Stay here,” she told her friends. “I have to do clean-up.”_ _

__Poor Evan went down, turning on his side to avoid landing on… his fucking cast. _Oh, my_ … _ _

__Her brother shoved past her, and she thought about pulling him close and making him fight _her_. But that would most likely get them both in way too much trouble. And so she rushed towards Evan._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One is done. Next: WTAW Part 1
> 
> Leave comments I don't have a life. THIS IS Dear Evan Hansen from the second-most important character's point of view, in my honest opinion. Like they're all SO important, but it's bullshit that Laura Dreyfuss wasn't nominated for a Tony fuck off with that shit. Okay enough ranting LEE.
> 
> DM me about my character headcanons on Tumblr @ the-second-to-last-jedi


	2. Nobody Can Hear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waving Through a Window Part One

“Hey! I’m sorry about my brother. I saw him push you? He’s a _psychopath_.”

Zoe examined the boy, who was wiping off his shirt and glancing at the stairs Connor had taken. Everyone stared at him. He blushed.

“Evan, right?” she gestured at him.

He chuckled once as if she’d said something funny. “ _Evan_.”

Shit. First, her brother had pushed him down and then she made it worse by getting his name wrong. “That’s your name.”

“ _Yes, it is! It’s Evan!_ Sorry.” A fractured laugh escaped him.

“Why are you sorry?”

“Because you said it, and then I repeated it, which is just. That is _so annoying_ , when people do that, so.”

He seemed a little calmer, less likely to… _run away_ at any given moment. She jutted her hand out before either of them could change their mind. “I’m Zoe.”

“Yes. No, I know! Zoe.” Evan stuck out his own hand, before pulling it away to wipe out on his khakis.

She retracted her hand and tilted her head at the boy. He seemed to cower under her stare, which was… weird. He was weird.

“You know?”

“No! It’s just, I’ve seen you play guitar in Jazz Band? I _love_ Jazz Band. I love jazz! Well, not _all_ jazz, but definitely, like, Jazz Band jazz? That’s so _weird_ , I’m sorry.”

She smiled a bit, watching him retract back into himself. He was adorable, in a sort of… sad way. The way his hands flailed about when he talked. His squinty face, as if he was looking into the sun. The way he stared at his shoes every time he looked into her eyes as if she would freak out. And he always seemed to try to school himself back into being _normal_.

Zoe decided that she liked that he wasn’t. Normal.

“You apologize a lot,” she tried, stepping only a bit closer and smiling.

He let out a breathy laugh. “Sorry. I mean- you know what I mean.”

There was silence for a second as he picked at his cast, and she sighed. “Okay, well, I’ll talk to you la-”

“ _Yudnasinmcas-_ ”

“What?” Zoe turned around, only for him to backup another million steps.

“What? What’d you say?” Evan tried.

She squinted, pointing at herself and then him. “I didn’t say anything, you said something.”

“No, I- me?” She nodded, and he turned in a circle, looking for another possible culprit. “No way… Jose.” And then he nodded, and Zoe nodded slowly, heading back to her group of friends.

“Okay...” She gave in, giving him double thumbs-up (which what the fuck, where did that come from), “Jose.”

Zoe didn’t think much of Evan Hansen after that encounter. He was in her gym class, but seeing him sitting alone in the bleachers, tapping his fingers, didn’t make her think of _him_ so much as it made her think of her brother. That asshole.

Connor called her a few minutes after the last bell rang, and Zoe had a mini heart-attack seeing his name pop up on her screen. It wasn’t like him to call, or even _text_ , really. He just sent her memes (mainly about her cutting her fingernails short) or a pool game request.

Him calling meant that something was wrong.

She jammed her thumb against the green button, eyes wide. “What’s wrong?”

_“Um, my life, this school, our family... I could go on.”_

“Why did you call?” Zoe rasped, leaning against the band room door.

_“Oh. I’m asking you to wait for me. I have some, uh, business to take care of. Or, no, don’t wait for me, I’ll walk.”_

Zoe frowned at her phone. “What kind of business?”

_“Not any of yours, **Josephine**. Just… Go do whatever, I don’t need a ride. I’m sorry.”_

The girl’s brow furrowed. “I’ve been hearing that a lot today.”

_“What?”_

“I’m s- Nevermind, it’s nothing. So you’re walking? I’ll see you later, I guess.”

_“Yeah, Zo?”_

Zoe froze in her tracks. He never called her that anymore. “What, Con? Are you, like, going to prison?”

_“No, dumbass. Oh, my God. I’ll… Bye, Zoe.”_

“Bye, asshole.” She hung up in a huff, shoving her phone back in her backpack and heading out towards her car.

Elias and Nicole stood waiting for her, grinning wide. “We’re kidnapping you!” Elias screeched.

“What?”

“We’re taking you to the ice cream parlor, the one over by the old orchard? Remember, where we had, like, all our field trips in elementary.”

“I guess?”

Zoe drove them there, after mourning the death of a squirrel she ran over in the school parking lot.

“This one’s to you, Thumper,” Nicole mumbled, mouth filled with ice cream. “God, I have sensitive teeth.”

“RIP Thumper. Indeterminable date, to August 14, 2018. May they rest in peace,” Zoe raised her cone, sunglasses shielding her tear-streaked face.

"Is that even a word? Indemi- indemitern- indetimern, shit. Indetermern- FUCK. In-de-term-min-a-ble," Elias stumbled as the girls cracked up.

Zoe drove over to the middle school to pick up Nicole’s younger sister, Jamie, before heading back to their house. And that was where they stayed, in typical ‘first day of school’ fashion, until Elias’ mom called him home. Meanwhile, Zoe awaited that dreaded text from her father.

Except it didn’t come. At least not to her.

Nicole’s mom, Janice, came downstairs with her cell in hand, before handing it to Zoe.

“Yeah?”

“Zoe! Cynthia, she’s there, it’s alright. Zoe, stay there, Uncle Paul will be coming over to pick you up.” Her father spoke frantically, as though he was running out of time.

“But I drove here. What’s up? What’s wrong?” she sat up from her spot on the couch, brow furrowing.

“Connor doesn’t have your car?”

“No, he said he would walk home. Where’d he go?”

“We don’t… He never came home. We’re looking for him now. I'm gonna ground his ass for the rest of high school.”

Zoe choked on air. Connor hadn’t stayed out this late in almost a year. “But it’s almost midnight. Can’t you track his phone?”

“He left it in his room. Sweetie, can you drive to Uncle Paul’s? Your cousins already know you’re coming. Your mom packed a bag for you, Paul has it. We won’t be home tonight until late, most likely.”

“Yeah, yeah, definitely. I’m going now. Um, text me when you find him.”

It was three in the morning when her uncle woke her up. He said that they found Connor and that he was going to take her to meet her parents at the hospital. He hadn’t said why they were going to the hospital, and Zoe didn’t know what to expect. She guessed a million things, but he wouldn’t say.

Getting there _just_ in time to see a doctor call ‘time of death’ on her big brother did not ever cross her mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two is through. Next up: WTAW Part 2
> 
> Leave a comment if you'd be so kind.
> 
> ooh, drama. Writing the ending kinda made me sad. I just wanted her to be there as he died. I wanted her to suffer. Sorry.
> 
> Also, the story behind "Josephine" will come up and it's pretty cute
> 
> DM me if you wanna chat about my evils on Tumblr @ the-second-to-last-jedi


	3. Can Anybody See?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waving Through a Window Part Two
> 
> "Is anybody waving back at me?"

She stood there.

Zoe stood silent and still in her spot. She stared at her brother, her _dead_ brother, as her mother screamed a few feet over. Her father shook his head, eyes wet but no tears falling. He gripped the bar against the wall. And her uncle slid down the opposite wall, head in his hands.

But Zoe just stood, glued to the floor. Even as the doctors left the room to talk to her parents. Even as the nurse pulled the sheet over Connor’s face (his feet stuck out, and she almost laughed). Even as the screaming started in her head. She stood.

She couldn't contain the screaming in her head anymore. She pushed herself up even though she didn’t remember falling, and her feet started to move. And she opened the door, and pulled back the sheet, and there was _vomit_ or _something_ all over him.

But she pushed his hair out of his face and shook his shoulder, as if it was normal. As if they were at home, getting ready for school. No response. She put her fingers against his neck. No pulse. He had no pulse.

Her brother was dead.

“Zo’. Come on, get outta here. You don’t wanna remember him like this, do you?” her uncle called, wiping his eyes.

She remembered him dragging her out by her arm, and sitting her in a corner like a toddler. She remembered scrolling through Instagram. She remembered trying to call Nicole, but having no answer.

She’d have to tell people. There would be a funeral, she might have to speak.

Zoe would have to learn to live without a brother… 

She didn’t think it would be that hard.

Her father drove them home, and didn’t say a word as the women in the vehicle cried their eyes out. Larry was completely silent as the almost-family stared at each other in the living room. They only moving to get in the car and go through the Hardee's drive thru. He didn’t say a word the next day, either, when Zoe was fielding calls from family members and friends, and destroying her room.

She broke a ukulele, a bridge on her bass, bed frame, lamp, every pencil she could find, and her own skin before her mother screamed at her to shut up.

“Why are you doing this?” Cynthia cried, because that was all she _could_ do, apparently.

“Well, he’s not here to do it, so someone has to, right? I mean, that’s what you miss right? That’s all he ever did. Or, no, do you want me to get high?”

“You still can’t see it, can you? The good that your brother-”

“Good?” Zoe scoffed. “Connor wasn’t. Good. You’re just in… denial, still, or whatever.”

“Do _not_ speak of your brother in that way. I will not tolerate it.” Larry popped up out of nowhere, and Zoe crossed her arms.

“Okay, sure. Fine. Connor was good, I’m the dead one, and we’re poor. Great talk.”

And then, on day three, her mother took a shower and got dressed and shook her awake. Her parents informed her that they were going to her school to notify the principal and to talk to Evan Hansen.

“Why would you want to talk to Evan Hansen?” Zoe squinted, sitting up from her uncomfortable spot on the floor.

Cynthia stared her down as Larry pulled a letter out of his blazer. “Connor’s note. We showed you-”

“ _No_ , you didn’t,” Zoe snapped, snatching the letter. She read the first line, and then. Then she saw her name. Her left hand made an involuntarily fist.

Larry caught her arm and freed her fingers, rescuing the piece of paper. “No, Baby, give it to me, please,” he coaxed, taking the time to fold it up and return it to his pocket.

Zoe obeyed, staring her mother in the eye. “Why did he write it to Evan Hansen?”

“You know him?” Cynthia inquired, coming a bit closer.

Zoe pushed her hair out of her eyes and shrugged. “Yes. No. Kind of?”

Her father stepped in, spouting some bullshit about friends, and Zoe shut him out, pulling her favorite purple blanket over her head.

The next time she woke up was to make her way to the freezer and take one of her mother’s margarita slushy mixes. Cynthia and Larry were gone. Still. The only clean cup she could reach was the tourist bottle from Disneyland that Connor had begged for. And so Zoe, for the first time in her life, got drunk on something that was only _okay_ , sipping it out of a neon yellow straw that came out of Goofy’s hat.

She fell asleep on the couch in the basement, and didn’t wake up for another two hours, to hushed voices and someone smoothing her hair back.

Nicole and Elias were sat in front of her, bearing a stupid stuffed penguin and a plate of brownies. They both looked as if they’d been crying.

“Zoe, why didn’t you tell us?” Elias spoke first, eyes wide. He attempted to take her amusement park cup out of her hand, and she held it closer to her chest.

“I tried to text Nicole. But she was asleep, I think. I’m tired. And maybe a little tipsy. I’ve never been tipsy before.”

Elias ignored her. “We’re sorry that this happened. Connor shouldn’t have had to die for us to notice him. You and your parents shouldn’t have to go through this-”

Zoe glared at the boy. “It’s fine. Stop talking.”

“Okay.”

They sat in silence for a few more minutes before Nicole spoke. “We, uh, got here a while ago. A few hours. Everyone’s been sending over casseroles, we put ‘em in the oven, and the fridge. There’s more to come. Your parents, they are with the funeral directors right now. We’ll stay with you in the meanwhile.”

The unspoken _**‘Your parents think you’ll kill yourself while they’re gone’**_ hung in the air between them. Elias pushed through.

“And then, um, Evan Hansen. Is. Coming over. Uh, on Monday? He and Connor were friends?”

Zoe froze at that, clutching her alcoholic slushy. “What?”

“Yeah. They told us to let you know… You don’t have to go if you don’t want.”

“They were friends?”

Elias shrugged, toying with his hair and avoiding Zoe’s glare. “I guess. I mean, Connor signed your brother’s cast. Not that that means anything, of course! It’s just… He’s the only one that did. Your parents were talking about how they were friends… Maybe, we, uh, just took it out of context, or… I don’t know.”

“That’s a good amount of updates for Zo’. How are you feeling?” Nicole took her friend’s hands in her own.

“I’m just tired. I didn’t… I don’t know. My-my brother is dead. He’s dead. He. Is. Dead. And I don’t-” Her voice cracked, and she shook her head to dismiss it, but both teenagers had already pulled her onto the floor between them to wrap her in a hug. They murmured for her to let it out, that they were there for her.

But Zoe didn’t want to cry. She wanted to scream. And so she did. And they both jumped in shock, inspecting each spot of her for injuries.

Zoe started laughing, then, pulling herself up and screeching until her sides hurt. “Connor’s dead. Connor’s dead, and now I’m going insane! This is- poetic justice.”

“Hon’. Maybe we should get you to bed.”

“God, I have to bury my brother. At sixteen! I have to bury my brother, who I didn’t even really _like_. I mean, Connor was an asshole. A huge fucking asshole who just. God, left me with all this _bullshit_.”

“We’re going to bed now, Zo’! Bedtime. Give me the slushy. Go with Nic and brush your teeth.”

Zoe poured the slushy out onto the hardwood floor, and her friends sighed.

“You’re a difficult one. Come on, Zoe. Let’s go have a sleepover, yeah?”

“No balls,” she whispered, handing Elias the cup and trudging up the stairs.

Her parents didn’t end up coming home till midnight, avoiding all questions about where they had been.

Zoe didn't push them much. The three remaining Murphys hated talking about anything even _remotely_ awkward. They had no problem skirting past issues.

They didn't said anything to each other over the course of the next week, barring funeral talk or the investigation of Connor's death.

Zoe was in charge of social media. She went through all seven of his online profiles, all the DMs, all the unknown numbers. She did see Evan Hansen’s name come up through a few Facebook messages, years back, about their plans for the summer. That was it. Cynthia found a text to Evan about a homework assignment. Larry found nothing in his email search.

Evan Hansen’s dinner visit was even more off-putting. He was so… disorganized. Zoe wondered if that was what she should’ve been acting like.

There was nothing to suggest that Connor Murphy and Evan Hansen were best friends, or even good acquaintances. It was like they barely knew each other.

Which was likely. Connor wasn’t keen on making friends in high school. He was usually alone, as far as she knew. Alone, away, in some alley doing drugs.

And then there was the whole shoving debacle last week. Zoe knew what she saw.

“Connor loved skiing.”

“Connor hated skiing.”

So forgive her for being a bit skeptical that her brother and Evan Hansen were friends.

“Right! That’s- sorry, that’s what I meant. Connor loved talking about how much he hated skiing.”

Her father gave her a look, and Cynthia scowled at both of them, but Zoe rolled her eyes.

“Where?”

“You mean, like, where did we… hang out?”

_Duh._

“Well, mostly we, would hang out at, um, my house. Sometimes we would come to-to his house, if-if nobody else was here. You know, we would email mostly! So that, um, we didn’t have to, uh… He couldn’t always talk, uh, in person, you know?”

“No, we looked through his emails. There aren’t any from you.”

Evan acknowledged that, holding a hand out. “Yeah, no no no. Yes, of course. That’s because he- He had a different, a _secret_ email account. It was a secret. I should’ve said that before, that was probably. Very confusing.”

“Why was it a secret?” Zoe frowned, leaning forward slightly.

“Just so that no one else could, um… It was more private that way, I guess.” He looked down at his hands, and started picking at his fingernails as her parents started to bicker. She powered through.

“Okay, the weird thing is that the only time I ever saw you and my brother together, was at school last week when he _shoved_ you.”

“He shoved you?” Cynthia shouted, as if she was going to call her son down from his bedroom to apologize.

“No! No, I tripped.”

“No! I was there! I saw the whole thing, he _pushed_ you. _**Hard**_.”

“Oh! Oh, wait, I remember now. See, that was a misunderstanding. Because, he, um, he didn’t want us to talk at school? And I’d tried to, well, to talk to him at school. It wasn’t a big thing. It was _my_ fault.”

“Why didn’t he want you to talk to him at school?” Zoe scoffed, rolling her eyes.

“He didn’t want people to know that we were friends? I guess he was embarrassed a little.”

“Why would he be embarrassed?” Cynthia asked.

If anything, Evan should’ve been embarrassed of Connor.

“Well, I guess ‘cause he thought I was kinda… you know.”

“A nerd?” Zoe finished, ignoring her parent’s annoyed replies. “Isn’t that what you meant?”

“Well, loser, I was gonna say actually, but nerd works, too.”

She smirked, and he gave her a tiny, miniscule smile as her mother apologized for her son, again. Possibly for the last time.

“Well, that wasn’t very nice.”

“Well, _Connor_ wasn’t very nice, so that makes sense.” 

This whole conversation was starting to sound very familiar. Her father dropped his fork on his plate, and Evan stared at her with wide eyes.

“Connor was…”

Zoe thought that she must’ve been a horrible person. To find pleasure in watching her mother try to find words that made her son seem better. Connor wasn’t there to be that person, so it made sense that she was next in line.

“A complicated person.”

“ _No_. Connor was a _bad_ person. There’s a _**difference**_ ,” the teenager ground out, glaring at her mother.

“Zoe, _please_ ,” her father tried.

“Don’t pretend like you don’t agree with me.” She realized who she sounded like.

Zoe felt dirty, stained, a gross replica of her dead brother, doomed to fall into a Connor-shaped hole. At least Evan looked like he could fit a Zoe-shaped hole.

“You refuse to see any of the good things. You refuse to-”

Zoe almost laughed at that, because _how fucking rich_. “Because there were no good things!” She yelled at her crying mother, and it felt… like things were finally falling into place. Like the Murphys were right where they should've been. “What were the good things?! What were the good things, Mom, tell me!”

“I remember a lot of good things about Connor!”

Connor may never have whooped this kid’s ass, but Zoe was sure as hell about to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "No balls no balls" - zoe murphy
> 
> Leave a comment if you want me to pass my finals.
> 
> Qwhite the chapter (my girl Alana is coming soon I love her)
> 
> Zoe just wants to Evan to SIT THE FUCK DOWN. I cannot wait for Sincerely, Me. Like I just love how bouncy that song is (Zoe's a bouncy gal)
> 
> DM me on Tumblr @ the-second-to-last-jedi. I have face claims for any and every oc.

**Author's Note:**

> One is done. Next: WTAW Part 1
> 
> Leave comments I don't have a life. THIS IS Dear Evan Hansen from the second-most important character's point of view, in my honest opinion. Like they're all SO important, but it's bullshit that Laura Dreyfuss wasn't nominated for a Tony fuck off with that shit. Okay enough ranting LEE.
> 
> DM me about my character headcanons on Tumblr @ the-second-to-last-jedi


End file.
